A revolutionary revelation

Well, things are changing around here. Let me tell you the story. It's a story about receiving and recognizing revelation. The context? How I choose to educate my children.

I homeschool my kids, as perhaps you know. For the past three years, I have used a curriculum that I can receive for no cost (That's right folks, it's free!) through the public school system. Technically, my children are enrolled in public school, but I am (in theory) in charge of their education. In many ways, it has worked well for us. But I have had some frustrations with the "system," as well as with the curriculum.

I have gone through stages when this method of education works very, very well for us. The kids are progressing nicely. I enjoy teaching them. But there are other times when the frustration is overwhelming. Last Friday was quite frustrating. I expressed my personal frustrations to my parents, expecting to receive advice from my mom. My mom homeschooled my youngest brother, is well-versed in education, and has a lot of good advice. I was very surprised that it was my dad who led the conversation. He had so many ideas on what I could do to meet the needs of my son. Wow, I said. I will have to be a little more creative. How will I fit creativity into the mold of the prescribed curriculum?

Later that day, I wrote a lengthy e-mail to the public school teachers to whom I am accountable for my use of their curriculum. I did not send it to the teachers, since I was ranting. (I have a whole file of things I have written in response to other people's opinions--especially posted on Facebook--that I write and don't send to anyone. I'm such a nerd. But it's a good outlet for me.) Instead, I sent it to a couple of my sisters. One of my sisters, Rachel, called me about an hour later. She also uses this curriculum and has experienced many of the same frustrations. However, her frustrations are not to the same overwhelming level that mine are. This curriculum is working for her family. For a long time, I have felt that if Rachel can do it, I should be able to do it, too. I know that what's right for one family isn't necessarily what's right for another family. But in large measure, the success of my children and their education comes down to my own motivation and self-discipline and determination. If I had more of all of this, it would work, right?

I had no intention of discontinuing with the public school. Did I mention that it's free? Plus, it's all there. I don't have to do a lot of planning or preparing. I turn on my computer in the morning and it tells me what to teach. In many ways, this has been the right thing for our family. But at this point, I am healthier than I have been for a while and our family is at a stable and healthy place. I think we can do something a little different.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. So, all weekend I watched General Conference. I was uplifted, edified, and finished the weekend so excited about life and the future. I made specific goals and thought for sure I would be able to make my curriculum work for us. I woke up Monday morning and got to work. Monday proceeded as the worst day in my mothering experience. I was a nightmare. Granted, the children were not exactly cherubic that day, but they were not the problem. I was. I was so confused. I was motivated. I was determined. I was disciplined. Why was it not working?

I talked to Chris for a while and he was sympathetic to my plight. He reminded me that my budget rules are my rules, not his. If we need to spend some money on our children's education, that's okay. Hmm, says I. And then I got an e-mail from my sister Kathryn. She had read my ranting e-mail and responded. I believe her response, in timing and substance, was inspired. She simply said, "Oh, Megan. I agree with everything you've written. That's why our family does something different now. I can help you."

My sisters have offered me help and advice on home education many times. But this time, I was ready to receive it. When I read the e-mail from Kathryn, I realized that this was an answer to my prayers. The way to improve school isn't just through my own discipline, but through my own creativity. It is time for me to admit that what we have been doing isn't working and it is time to move on.

I realized that often when I pray, if the answer to my prayers is a yes, or go ahead, I feel peace. If the answer is no, or stop, I feel frustrated, angry, and confused. At one point, I needed a bishop to point out to me that those feelings are also called a stupor of thought. Once I realized that my confusion and frustration wasn't because I'm a terrible person, but rather an answer to my prayers leading me to a better way, I felt at peace. I think I may have been getting this spiritual direction for some time, but I was afraid of the unknown. I've been afraid of the financial commitment to any other sort of curriculum. I've been afraid of the personal commitment--it will take a lot more creative effort and preparation--for me. I've been afraid to be inconsistent by changing our curriculum in the middle of the coursework. I've also been afraid of having my sister, who is excelling with this curriculum, feel like I was abandoning her or like I thought my new way was better than her way. In the past two days, I have dealt with these fears. My frustration has left. And it's been kind of exciting. I'm going to take charge of the education of my children in a whole new way. Wish me luck.

By the way, since my new method of educating the kids will not involve on-line curriculum, it will seriously cut into my Facebook time. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but it is a big deal to me. Again, wish me luck.

By the way again, I think that my extreme frustration has been intensified by my stubborn refusal to recognize the guidance of the spirit in the past. I think had I been listening more carefully, I could have made these changes sooner and perhaps avoided the meltdown I had on Monday. :-)